Vindication

I've been a little worried lately because no one I've talked to has seen the Sour Skittles commercial with the milking machine. The concept is so bizarre that I've actually been afraid I imagined it, due to carbon dioxide retention, too much pot, or just plain senile dementia. It would be uncomfortable indeed to think that this unsettling scenario came out of my psyche. Now I have been vindicated, thanks to good old YouTube. Here is the commercial in its sickening entirety. Sour Skittles. Does it make you want to run out & eat some Skittles? It makes me want to sanitize my TV.

Confinement: Week Four

This one belongs in the "Hell in a handbasket" file: I just saw a commercial for Sour Skittles, where a 60+ year old slovenly man was sprawled back on a chair, his nipples strapped to a large industrial milking machine. Another man approaches, carrying a bottle of milk. He waves his bottle & complains to the "milk-ee" that his milk is sour & to please stop eating Sour Skittles. Lactating Man just smiles & keeps eating those Skittles. When I saw this ad my jaw dropped. How did they pitch this concept to the Skittles exec's & how high were they when they decided this was a good idea? Maybe the surrealistic aspect of it will call attention to the candy & boost sales. A smelly redneck being milked? Ewwww.

I just found out that everyone in Marilyn Manson's band has adopted stage names that represent (first) postitive popular icons, then negative ones. He's Marilyn(Monroe)/(Charles) Manson. His drummer (?) is Madonna Wayne Gacy. Today was not a waste of time because I learned this.

{In the Criminal Justice system sexually-based crimes are considered especially heinous. The dedicated detectives who investigate these felonies are part of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. ::doink:: ::doink::}

Yes, I am watching way too much telly during my imprisonment. Law and Order: SVU is one of my favorite guilty pleasures. I watch it for two reasons. First, I find Richard Belzer (the Bellz) oddly compelling. I'm not proud of it, I just do. My primary reason for watching is Christopher Meloni.....what a bucket of yum that guy is. In HBO's old prison series OZ, he was the scariest of all the terrifying sociopaths. He even got old nun Rita Moreno to kick her habit off; the character was vibrant. Meloni takes on interesting parts. Many may not know that he was the hospitable farmer in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. He was also the flaming hotel clerk in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, both very brave parts for an actor who is trying to establish himself as a leading man/ action star. I'm a fan, so I watch this show despite the fact that the plot lines are rather insipid & Ice-T couldn't turn in an animated performance if his nuts were on fire. If I ever get permission to leave here & I get out to California, I'm considering stalking Meloni. Anyone else in?

Speaking of Ice-T.....the funniest joke told at the Flavor Flav Comedy Central Roast was at Ice's expense. "He's so old that, when he first started to make money, the first thing he bought was his freedom."

Cuppa Cuppa Cuppa

I have a favorite artichoke dip recipe. I'm sure most everyone now has heard about or made something close to it. My family calls it "cuppa cuppa cuppa" because it takes 1 cup of marinated, diced & drained (not rinsed) artichokes. 1 cup of mayonnaise & 1 cup of grated parmesan cheese. Fold all three ingredients together in a shallow baking pan & cook at 350 until bubbling & brownish. Serve with bread bits, crackers or sturdy chips. There are variations on that theme, of course. My stepdaughter loves to throw some spinach into the mix. I have laced it with mild green chilis, which were not as tasty as I'd hoped. My friend Buck insists that diced tomatoes really liven it up. Here's the most difficult part: after removing the dip from the oven, let it cool for 10 minutes before serving. You may have to hide it from guests while doing this.

I have dragged this dish to many many social gatherings in the last few years & it is interesting to note the cultural differences in artichoke dip behavior. Those who do not care for artichokes pay no attention to the stuff. Those who like it can behave rather enthusiastically.....like crazed piranhas. When I drag it out of the oven in NY, the guests yum-yum politely & wait until it is coolish to plow their crackers into it. Sometimes they hesitate, waiting for someone else to break the surface of the casserole & start the consumption. The bikers of Ohio are much more fun to cook for. The artichoke lovers will actually hang around the oven until the dip comes out, then dig into it while it is still steaming. I watched two of them engaged in a cracker joust, where they each tried to scoop up the same large piece of artichoke. Dave, obviously the artichoke alpha male, won & popped the hot morsel into his mouth. Then he screamed like a banshee from the heat & the artichoke fell out of his mouth, onto the kitchen floor. Jimmy, his jousting opponent, in a moment that was oddly jubilant to him, scooped up the piece with his cracker & ate it, victory dancing as he chewed. I rarely see this behavior at soirees in NY. It is less fun to serve people there because they tend to be very reserved but, in their favor,they do allow you to cool the thing properly before making a grab for it. Funny thing about bikers, despite the fact that they see others screaming in pain when they burn their mouths, they will also pop the dip into their mouths prematurely. Some may say this is simply unintelligent behavior. I call it "empirical mistrust".

We should all carry around a certain degree of empirical mistrust. Sometimes we just shouldn't believe what our lying eyes are telling us. But sometimes, more often than not, empirical evidence can be valid & the dip may be too damned hot to eat.

I spent the afternoon watching bikers eat dip. What did you do?

Captivity - Week Two

My actions are being monitored by my father & my son, a testosterone tribunal that sees to my diet, medication, recreation & rest. They are well aware that I am experiencing cabin fever, so they have devised some comedy routines to make my stay more appealing. Goddess help me, it's working. All afternoon I listened to my son performing "The Songs of Miss Patsy Cline, as Sung by Adam Sandler." I was a laughing, contented pepper & did not once think of disguising myself & sneaking off to the AMTRAK station.

I think I have fallen prey to the Stockholm Syndrome, which is an overidentification with captors. Terrorized captives often begin to sympathize with their kidnappers over time, as a survival strategy. It is widely believed that Patty Hearst was experiencing this syndrome when she appeared with the SLO as "Tanya" at a bank robbery. I have begun to find credence in the wishes of my doctor, my father & my son, instead of considering them a triumverate of torment that keeps me caged & drugged. Now Maya Anjelou & I both know why the caged bird sings. I know they were very frightened when I was in the coma, but I think they've begun to overplay that card when defending their overprotectiveness. I'm better now, they can ease up & exhale a little. I tried to tell my son how I felt about being grounded, but I saw his eyes cloud over, which means he put his brain elsewhere & is channeling a more pleasant, reasonable thought. He's done this since he was 2 yrs. old. At these times he always sings "She's a Maniac" to himself & plays pool on his cell phone. He & his grandfather feel that my sense of autonomy & freedom is secondary to medical issues & there's no convincing them otherwise. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy their comedy stylings & hope that I don't end up calling myself "Svetlana" & robbing a video store.

Who knows. In another week I may be offered my freedom & refuse to go, the final stage of the Stockholm Syndrome. I will be convinced that these two men are omniscient & will adhere to their wishes. Yeah, that'll happen.