Couch Pepper Scribblings

Since my last post, I have been busy helping humanity. I have traveled to many downtrodden African nations & have adopted a few children, one of whom is albino. Because of that condition, his fellow villagers believed he had the ability to dowse water. I call him Rod.

I made an earnest attempt to find out what happened to Amelia Earhart. I'll bet they didn't really try hard to find her in those days, the operative word being "her." If it was a male aviator they would have called out all the armed forces until he was found. I found nothing new regarding the Earhart case, but I did get a good sunburn remedy from a Samoan.

I also spent a lot of down time examining my own spirituality. I meditated for days in a cloistered retreat run by Catholic nuns. They were a nice bunch of gals who never once objected to me calling them "Jesus's harem." I plan to go back there soon & aid them in their endeavors to feed the community. Sainted Sisters of Soup.

Okay, I can't go on with this. I haven't been anywhere. I have been planted on my couch, fighting with friends & loved ones & bitching at doctors. I have been writing various things & having some of the best phone conversations of my life, but most of my time is spent watching TV. The set & I are becoming ONE. Like the rest of the unemployed, braindead world, I am fascinated by Britney Spears. What's that long German word that means 'delight in another's misery'? (Dorcas, find me that word) That smoilenfrauzin, or whatever it is, just engulfs me whenever I see the Louisiana lunkhead on the tabloids. This is happening to her because her parents, approximately 18 years ago, sold her to the devil. They could have continued to give their daughter lessons & a well-rounded education but, instead, they wanted to take a faster route. They agreed to pimp their own daughter out. As a minor, they authorized her to sing her little sexually-suggestive "Oops..." and "....give it to me one more time" songs, thereby expanding her fan base from 10-16 year old girls, to a demographic of pedophiles of all ages. Instead of celebrating her 18th year & advancement into womanhood with a new, more mature form of artistic expression, they let her rip her blouse open & gyrate in gold "boy panties." Cheryl Crow said, "Britney was given the full porn treatment." Now her parents have to watch their creation be destroyed because no one wants to see a stretch-marked, Marlboro-smoking housewife with the artistry of a sugar beet. The little girls have deserted her & the pedophiles have deemed her too old & therefore "unyankable," so the poor little Mouseketeer has been shouting "Look at me! Look at me!" and jumping in front of any camera that will have her. Eventually she will bottom out (or "go to Downeyville" as they say in Hollywood) and then she will disappear for about 2 years. She will reappear on OPRAH in a dignified black dress, with her new husband, Jake, & tell us all about her relationship with the lord.

Britney needs to go off into the Bayou of her home state & go back to her roots. I remember going fishing for catfish down there, with my master by my side. I would run through the tall grass & soak my belly in the sun. No, wait, that wasn't me....that was Old Yeller.